Lost In Translation

You know how David Hasselhoff is big in Germany, but in America he's just one of the people we keep around, waiting for him to be filmed eating hamburgers off of the floor?

Its a similar thing with Ken Watanabe. American audiences love him. But in Japan, he's mostly just fodder for talk show hosts and internet jokes.


...


I just made that up. But feel free to pass it on to your friends next time there's a lull in conversation...

We don't want a war. yea. check.

Sometimes, people make a war, don't know what its for. (business)

In a continuation of Crack Bang's weeklong dedication to promoting peace through art, we present you with Speak, the Hungarian Rapper.

Give Peace a Chance

A glimmer of hope in this cruel, crazy world we live in.

Today, The Simple Life. Tomorrow... the middle east?

I believe.

Phil Collins: Real

When it was time to make a video to help promote his latest singles, Phil Collins didn't mess around. Phil Collins went big.

How big?

Oh, how about hiring famous comedian GILBERT GODFRIED? That big. And, oh, how about adding former Miss America VANESSA WILLIAMS?

Yeah. That's right. But that's not all.

How about, oh, say, adding the most famous professional wrestler at the moment (in 1989ish) THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR?

Yeah, Phil Collins didn't mess around. He was an artist, he was an entertainer, and he was a genius.



It was moments like that, that led to moments like this. Phil Collins cashing in on his street cred. Check him out here standing around, looking like a bad MF, while Bone Thugs n Harmony drop melodic rhymes over a classic Collins beat.



I say we take all those Chuck Norris jokes and replace them with Phil Collins jokes. Man earned it.

American Gladiator, where are you now?

They don't make men like Malibu anymore.



No, no. Malibu is a man of the past. A man of 1990.
In 2007, the closest we get to Malibu is Dog the Bounty Hunter.
And comparing Malibu to Dog the Bounty Hunter is like comparing Spicoli to Ted Nugent.
Or comparing The Juice Crew to Dipset.
Or comparing Surge to Rockstar Energy Drink.

Uh, What?

Dear Sister: Va. Tech Remix

Ok, the title is misleading. I'm a misleader.

Last Saturday night, SNL featured a pretty funny "digital short" featuring surreal/dark humor and poked fun at the OC and the ubiquitous use of Imogen Heap.

Here's the scene from the OC that is referenced:




Here's SNL's "Dear Sister" (not sure if that's the actual name of the skit:)


(this video isnt an official NBC youtube video, and could possibly be a dead link by the time you're reading this.)

Well, this was pretty funny Saturday night. But NBC has taken it down from their youtube site, presumably due to the events that occured at Virgina Tech on Monday morning.

Which brings up these questions:

Q. If this was funny Saturday, why isn't it funny today?

Q. Did people die from gun violence on Friday?

Q. How many people must die during one event to make it a national tragedy? 3? 5? 12? 32? 5000?

Q. How many news stories does it take to make an individual feel personally effected by another people's tragedy?

Q. How long will it take for a short film featuring absurdist humor about gun violence to be popularly (as opposed to privately, among friends) funny again?

Q. Did Imogen Heap spontaneously play 32 times today at Va Tech?

Q. Is it just me, or does the real life massacre actually add more absurdity to the film, which, in part, was mocking the manufactured sentimentality of pop music?

It'll Leave Skidmarks... On Your Soul

We need to talk about this commercial for Atari's Pole Position.

I discovered it via the "random videos" feature.


"HEEEEY!
You look like a real JERK!"

"Well I am a corporate executive."

This thing is jam packed with 80s cliches and 80s production values.




Its amazing how unsophisticated the advertising industry was back then, compared to now. I mean, conceptually, its genius. But the execution isn't quite on point. Twelve year old kids are making higher quality videos on youtube every day.

But then again, today's elite advertising agencies would probably spend millions to try to reproduce the horrible quality of these commercials, and not be able to get it right.

I mean, check this shit out:



The fact that this is an actual commercial, advertising a product, blows my friggin mind.

Random Videos (that thing on the right)

Check out the new feature over there ---->
Its some new fandangled video thing courtesy of google.

Crack Bang does not vouch for the content or quality of these videos. But check 'em out if you want to waste some time.

Crack Bang Literary Review hosted by Glenn Danzig

Shirtless rock stars arn't just bottemless pits of drugs, alcohol and venereal diseases. Sometimes, they are intellectual creatures as well. Sometimes.

Sit back and soak in the knowledge as Glenn Danzig takes you for a brief tour through his library, circa 1980something. Take notes.



Is it me or does this seem like a deleted scene from Boogie Nights? I half expect the camera to pan over to John C. Reilly dressed in a druid cloak with cop shades and a white headband, trying to add something but mispronouncing the word "beelzebub."

oh look. alanis morissette is all funny and stuff.

If you can stand Alanis Morissette, you might find this amusing. If not, it just sounds like another one of her songs and you'll probably want to punch your computer.

Which is the point, of course - it's making fun of herself and making fun of Fergie at the same time. Ok, whatever.

She does look pretty nice when she sluts herself up though.

Myspace Face

This has phenomenon has always been funny, but its almost surreal to see it in montage form. Would have been better if dude didnt show himself in the video. Kind of pointless. But everybody wants their face time.

Enjoy... White Chicks and Gang Signs

Pop Slang

David Blaine: When you take a shit and the toilet water splashes up onto your ass.

Doug Henning: Same as a David Blaine, but in this case you've already pissed in the water, thus getting toilet water/piss on your ass.

In Depth Video Game Analysis

Check out the man Chad Warden for some in depth analysis of the console wars. Don't spend any money on an xbox360, wii, or ps3 until you've heard this man's opinion.



And don't try to discredit him, or he'll drive around the block in his mom's escalade just to spite you.



God Bless America!

Jordan Catalano Taunts Fat People

Here's some pictures of Jared Leto. He looks weird in all of them. You might not even realize its the same person. But the stunning fact is that he weighs 180 pounds in ALL FOUR PICTURES. Jared Leto is just THAT GOOD at acting, that he's tricking you into believing he's fat in two pictures and skinny in two pictures. He's acting. You gullible bitch, you'll fall for anything.

OR

Here we see before and after pics of Jared Leto. The before pics were taken when he bulked up for the role of John Lennon's killer in the upcoming John Lennon gets shot movie.

Now, you may be wondering, why didn't they just cast somebody who looks like John Lennon's killer? Why go through all the weight gain and shit? Well, its the same reason that Charlize Theron gains a bunch of weight and puts on prosthetics to play the part of a real person.

Because only beautiful people can act. Its a fact that has been proven by scientists. Hollywood scientists. However, these are the same scientists that created Renee Zellwegger's face, so I don't know how much I trust them.


OR

This just in: Jared Leto has full blown AIDS. News at eleven.

North Dakota: On the "Cutting" Edge of Pop Culture

You know you're fucked when the county sheriff is taking notes on how you cut your hair and the type of clothes you wear.

The funniest part is that all of their references are obvious parody sites.

I dare you not to laugh at this shit.

God Smacked

Check out this hilarious video where they edit together a bunch of Benny Hinn clips with the Official Song of the US Army playing in the background.

Rappers Lie Alot

Check out "Lie Alot" by Talib Kweli. He jacks a crack-rap track, kills it, and burns the whole genre. Nice subtle dig on Clipse in there too (most over-rated album of the century.)

What's up with Talib Kweli lately?

I used to think of him as just the weaker half of Black Star, but after the Mad Lib collabo, and now this, he's somebody I'm definitely keeping an ear out for.

Audio Link



Buy Shirt Here


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Kids V

After watching Wassup Rockers, its become obvious that any movie Larry Clark makes is just an excuse for him to photograph shirtless teenage boys.

I guess that should have been apparant after Bully. Fool me twice... can't get fooled again.

Anything that might by stylisticly interesting about Wassup Rockers was either something he's already done, or could have been summed up in a 5 minute music video. And the story was just ridiculous.

So in 5 years when he drops a movie about disillusioned asian youth from Canada... fuck him. I will be skipping it.

Stop Snitchin' (on wack reality tv contestants)

buy here



I've been paying attention to the White Rapper Show over on Channel Zero. What a bunch of clowns these kids are.

On the last episode, the "rappers" were split into teams, and each team had to come up with a song and video. The team of Sully, Jon Boy, and John Brown (AKA Grown Ass Men) came up with the most ridiculous cliche of a hip hop song one could imagine.

The name of the song was "She's a Stunna," which was one hook. The other hook was "She need a grown ass man in her life." It was a (ironic quotes) CLUB BANGER (ironic quotes) and the video featured much money flippin, booty shakin, and general fronting.

Sully objected to the whole affair, wanting to go in more of a Wu-Tang direction. One thing he didn't like was the repetition of the hooks, which John Brown felt was important because "its like brainwashing." Which, at least he's frank about his role as a song writer.

Well needless to say they lost the challenge. Host MC Serch finally earned some respect by pointing out how ridiculous the song/video was and telling the Grown Ass Men that for the elimination challange, they were to write a verse calling out the flaws of the other two members of the group.

So Sully gets to rip on these guys, right? Wrong. See, there's a trendy slogan out there called "Stop Snitchin." And this clueless fuck thinks that means you can't call someone wack when they are wack. So, rather than "snitch" on his teamates, he quit. (Jon Boy basicly did the same by making his verse about "not snitchin")

While Serch did break down the stupidity of Sully's "Stop Snitchin" defense, it would have been nice if he informed the kid that if MCs weren't allowed to make songs dissing other MCs they've made songs with, it would eliminate like 32% of all hip hop music.

What a dipshit.

Worst of all, by the end of the show I had most respect for "She's A Stunna" creater John Brown, for his verse dissing Jon Boy and Sully. In the last line he called them out for voting for Bush. So I'm glad they were kicked off the show. Voting for Bush is the worst White Rapper cliche of all.

buy here

Classic Crack!Bang! Flashback: Voices That Care

Check out this gem from circa Gulf War 1, featuring everybody who was anybody in 1991.
I don't remember ever seeing it until recently, but if I did see it, I'm sure it was tacked onto the end of NBA's Inside Stuff. (The emotion in Michael Jordan's performance brings a tear to my eye.)

Also I love that the token rapper was the Fresh Prince. Actually I'm surprised they even let him in. Times have changed. If they did one of these today it'd be 80% rappers with the occasional Kellie Pickler or somebody.